3 Things I Want Our Daughter To Know Before She Turns 13

A Mother’s open letter to her soon to be teen daughter, a heart glimpse and 3 truths I want her to know before her 13th Birthday.

It is the “eve” of our family entering a new season.

Tomorrow, our home will hold a creature commonly referred to as.

Teenager.

Yes today, is the “eve” of our own “Eve” turning 13.

The thing is?

If I close my eyes and squeeze them tightly enough?

I can put myself back to this fresh from God moment…

just like that.

But even before that?

I can blink back and distinctly remember the “just the two of us” days of preparation, as Shawn and I eagerly documented and anticipated the arrival of our baby girl or boy. We were always surprised in the delivery room. Turns out- we are good at making girls. 🙂

But, before I met our baby skin to skin?

We met heart to heart.

It turns out I have been writing “Notes for my Daughters” for a long time now…pre-dating their first breaths.

I began journaling my heart, and slowly opened the pages to the book of who I am, and all that I wanted to become as a mother.

And now?

13 years, 3 girls and hundreds of notes to my daughters written later?

I am facing the truth, that while I am more seasoned in my mothering today, I am still the same girl facing a new chapter. Still, writing my heart out in hopes that it will rise up to the occasion for which we are now in.

The occasion, of course is not meeting and holding our babies for the first time, but instead?

A start to a season of letting go.

Preparing to gently relax the hold, scale back slowly, and let the wave of the soul shaping season write the story of who they will become…

I’ll be honest.

I have always been a little scared of our daughter’s turning 13.

No, not because of the bad reputation that teenagers always seem to have to rise up against and prove wrong. I get that, I do. And, I am sure I will have more to write on that topic as the teenage years begin to stack up.

But here in this moment, I am a teeny bit wobbly.

Because?

Because growing up, our family suffered and un-imaginable tragedy that took my brother’s life at the age of…thirteen.

I wrote about my brother, Steve and how God suddenly called him home early, on a sunny Friday in April, here.

Oh friend, I don’t know how else to explain it, other than –

13 has always made me feel uneasy.

So many memories being made, adolescent life in full swing, the goalie of his soccer team, attending the same middle school that Eve attends right now…

So, as I stare down this time stamped age, that has always somewhat haunted me –

Of how a full of energy, life, can suddenly be stopped.

And how a Mom can have her child to tuck in at night, and then not.

I am a bit, skittish.

However right or wrong that may be.

And yet?

The experience of growing up under the wings of a gentle mother who gracefully carried the ache of a deeply grieving heart for the loss of her child, shaped me…for the better.

For one, the lesson to not take a moment for granted was learned early on in life.

Yes, my own mother’s love began tracing the foundational outline for what would shape my own future mother’s heart…yet to come.

By drawing the truth telling lines of the value of time together.

My Mother’s love and loss taught me the truth;

That in this one life?

The most precious gift we can give and receive, also happens to be the hardest and most painful one to lose:

Time.

Time together is the richest currency, for which I am after.

In further examination, this truth of time, much explains the background to my arrow prayers that I sent to God, early on in my motherhood journey, as I begged for the answer of how “To be with you” as I rocked Eve at night, while working full time as a pharmaceutical rep during the day.

Thankfully, God answered those arrow prayers back then and He keeps catching them and directing them with His perfect plan and timing,

So while, I can close my eyes and blink through dusty memories linking our love from “before Day 1“….

To our soon to turn teenager tomorrow…of 4,745 days old.

And all the days in between?

I am grateful for the life line of love traced on my heart from my own Mother’s heart, that has helped to influence and direct my mothering style, both leading up to this wrinkle in time and now…

is helping me carry forward and through this milestone year.

Because, even though I have tried so hard to stay present, stay mindful, and stay in the moment?

It still all goes by way too fast.

So as I sit here, grappling with the fleetingness of time, all the while coloring in my Momma’s heart, with rich deep thanks for the gifts God has given our family over the last 13 years. Blessing us with not only Evie but two more lively girls. 🙂

Who might I add, arrived just in time to save Eve from enduring our early years of “family Halloween costumes”

Insert eyes wide emoji. 🙂

Same brick front porch step…this time – better Halloween costume companions.

(You can see a recap of our family Halloween costumes here in this post and a note on finding your true identity.)

While I retrace our steps over these last 4,745 days…

And, I stare out ahead at the ever shortening road, that looks more like a blurry highway full of race cars instead of a still sidewalk and a well a parked and predictable radio flyer…

I am reminded what surrender looks like.

Yes, putting skin on surrender?

Looks a lot like the teachable and remarkable example of my mother.

Because?

Because God.

Because, God does not waste anything.

Because God does not waste heartbreak, tragedy and loss.

God is in the business of creating.

He created the highway to surrender through His Son, Jesus.

So that?

So that we can have the chance to come to Him and…let go.

I didn’t know it at the time but as a young girl…I was learning what it looked like to surrender.

My Mom handed it all over, excruciating pain and loss to the Lord…in total dependence.

She found her way in His grace and strength.

Right there in the middle of each day, while she cared and showed up for me, despite her own deep pain, sorrow and grief. 

And today?

When I ask her how she had the courage to “let me go” and “grow up,” fighting off the desire to keep me close so that I wouldn’t “get hurt,” after suffering such pain from losing my brother in that tragic accident?

She reminds me in her words:

“Holding you back, would not have been loving you well.“

Mom

So now?

As I share the tracings of the heart my mother outlined in me?

I am turning this post over, into an open letter of the purest “Notes for my Daughters” kind, to our dear daughter Eve, who is about to begin a new season of her life story tomorrow.

Dear Eve,

You are a blessing.

Over the last 13 years, I have tried to not trust in my own abilities to shelter, shape and steward you well.

And instead, I have tried my best to rely and trust in God’s abilities to guide us together as mother and daughter…handpicked for each other.

The thing you should know about surrender though?

Sometimes, actually oftentimes, it is a daily, hourly, or even minute to minute thing. And I have been know to get it wrong from time to time. Shocker, I know.

But in this moment, as I continue to surrender to the Lord and hand the gift of you back to Him?

I would like to trace these 3 truths onto your heart…from my heart – mother to daughter.

3 Things I Want Our Daughter To Know Before She Turns 13

Truth #1

The Creator Defines His Creation

Therefore?

Your Identity is Found In The One Who Created You.

So You Can Always Know Exactly Who You Are.

“You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.”

PSALM 139:13-16 NLT

More than ever before in your life when, you are going to be receiving mixed messages from the world around you.

Without realizing it you may be tempted to hide and cover up what God knitted inside you, in order to “fit in” rather than let others see the “who” He made you to be…the REAL you. 

Only you can hold the power to let yourself be seen…and what you stand for.

And?

Knowing who you are – is just as important as knowing who or what you aren’t.

You are not your grades on your report card or your G.P.A.

You are not the number of soccer goals you scored, or didn’t score.

You are not a lacrosse statistic or a number on a jersey.

You are not the clothes you wear, the phone in your pocket or the number of friends you have.

You are not the school you go to or the team you play for.

You are a unique and beautiful individual, created by God to bring goodness and beauty into the world in the personal ways, He has fitted, designed and sealed you for.

In this stage of life – the comparison trap is real and has the power to devour.

Comparison can come in the camouflage of inspiration, strategically locked and loaded on every screen device and hidden around every corner.

I know it will be challenging, but refuse the rising pressure to pick up someone else’s measuring stick of success, and begin measuring your self-worth by it.

You do not need to measure your value, based on what someone else views as valuable.

(If you need more encouragement on this from time to time, read this, because even us adults have trouble with this.)

Know this –

Your truest taste of freedom is found within your willingness to live as deeply and authentically connected to the unique design God created you to be.

He wants to take you on a journey.

His only request?

Is that you come to Him.

You are the air traffic controller of the messages and voices you allow to park in your heart and tell you who you are.

Be on guard and aware of who and what you give the rights to speak into who you are.

Truth #2

You will encounter disappointments and doubts along the way.

It really will be ok.

“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

JOHN 16:33 NLT

Did you know that God is a “tear collector?”

He literally sees every tear that stains your cheek…and collects them. (Psalm 56:8)

Yes, dear daughter…every tear.

Life is super hard. 

Life is super messy.

Life is going to surprise and delight you. 

And?

In this life, you will experience doubt and disappointment from time to time.

This is normal and actually?

It is expected.

When we are faced with the tough stuff, that we didn’t see coming…while it may catch us off guard and surprise us?

Know that God is never surprised. 

Nothing catches God off guard.

When you find yourself in a valley, you can rest in the truth that He knows our hurts, He feels our pains, He carries our losses and His love conquers and covers ALL of our battle scars.

In the same way Grandma gracefully gifted me with the space and availability to grow, and trusted God to go with me, when she could not?

So we also, must learn to surrender our desire to know all the answers to the “why’s” of the rough edges of life that you will inevitably encounter.

The tied up in a bow answers sometimes do not exist to the hard questions we face.

Faith begins where you’re understanding ends.

It’s not our job to make sense of it all.

It’s not our job to understand it all.

It is our job to trust Him with it all.

And sometimes, when the stuff gets really hard?

Sometimes you just need to get out a good cry. 

And that’s O.K.

God can be trusted with your raw emotions. 

It’s OK to be honest with Him…because a heart poured out is ready to receive God’s grace and love so that you are equipped with the strength to keep going.

And come and find me, I will have a warm heating blanket and popcorn ready. 🙂

Truth #3

The 4 Most Powerful Words In The English Language Are:

Yes.

No.

I’m sorry.

“Yes” and “No”

The reality is, it takes some practice when it comes to learning the power of your “yes” and your “no.”

Honestly, the way you get better at decision making is through a little bit of trial and error.

When we strip down our days, you will learn that they are filled with a bazillion decisions made inside your head. Often, without even realizing it is happening, and this yes or no decision process becomes your day, shapes your reputation and begins to color in your future life.

Now, I know that I know that I know…you are going to be in situations when everyone else is doing something, or you feel the need to say “yes,” when your heart and stomach say “No.”

I wish there was a perfect science or formula to helping you in the moment of these tricky teenage situations.

There isn’t.

BUT, This is what I do know:

The truth is, we often don’t move from uncertainty in a situation into clear certainty of what the right thing to do is.

Instead?

We move from uncertainty…to trust.

When you are uncertain, trust your God-given instincts and go with your gut.

This is also a really good opportunity to bring God into the conversation, (and me – just sayin’) 🙂

But, most importantly know this:

Choosing to isolate yourself in a decision making process can be a dangerous territory, winding you up in a vulnerable place, without you even realizing it.

While the evil one is subtle at first to move in…his tactics quickly turn violent, erupting destructive outcomes.

God designed us to work together and often that means, our decisions can and should be worked out together. Because? Because, sometimes us older people actually have some good stuff to share…because we’ve been around the block a time or two.

At the end of the day, what you say “Yes” to and what you say “No” to will be the bricks to which you build your life upon.

The quicker you learn Truth #1 and where your identity truly comes from, the easier it will be for you to identify your “Yes’s” and your “No’s” – and they will begin to fall into the right places.

Even better?

You will experience peace in your decisions.

My advice dear daughter, is to invite God into the conversation and let Him lead you into your days that He has written in His book especially for you.

Obedience to God will lead you to the greatest filling of peace.

Listening to that still small voice when you feel it stir, is the fastest pathway to peace – every time.

“I‘m sorry.“

When you feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit to apologize, obey promptly and fully in love and forgiveness, guided and provided by the One who loves and forgives us.

Dear daughter, forgiveness and love come in all shapes and sizes…when we ignore and wrestle with the One who initiates us into action?

We rob ourselves of the future God has laid out and assigned just for you…we stay stuck. 

My best advice is when you are in a sticky situation of unrest, go to God, ask Him to search your heart and point out anything in you that offends Him…and then take action on what, when and how He tells you as quickly as possible.

Life is a little gentler this way, trust me.

And remember…

delayed obedience isn’t actually obedience at all.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.”

Psalm 139:23-24 NLT

Sweet Eve, on the eve of your 13th birthday, I know that there are plenty of times when I have gotten it wrong, so wrong.

My heart filled prayer as you begin your teenage launch into this world, shedding the season of small and entering the season of slowly finding yourself, as a young lady…

is that you always remember that we love you and God loves you.

And while God is in charge of all the important stuff like the rising of the sun in the sky every morning and setting it in the evening?

I hope to serve as your sunrise moon.

(Even though I know God is in charge of the moon stuff too.)

A sunrise moon…

is there, but not everywhere.

Visible but not needing to be seen.

Awake, while most of the world is still asleep.

Close as you need, yet distant enough to gently let go.

Quiet in comfort, yet strong in reassurance.

Willing and made to fade as your world grows awake in front of you.

Simply there with as much “enoughness” as you need from me.

Yes, a sunrise moon…

is just enough to hold on to when the light is taking it’s time to shine.

Not too bright to overpower, or too dim so that you can’t see.

Just enough to guide you and be with you as you wait, pause, ponder and prepare for what happens next.

This is my attempt to, as your Grandma would say, “love you well” and let you go one baby breath at a time.

And Eve?

You can always tell me ANYTHING, no matter what and I will never every stop loving you.

Happy 13th Birthday Evie…

I know you are going to Fly…

Living on a prayer,

Mom

P.S. Your Dad is pretty proud of you too. 🙂

Dear God,

I am surrendering my not so little girl to you again as she enters into a new season of life.

I praise you God for giving me the blessing of being her mother.

Please keep a hedge of protection around her.

Please draw her close to you.

Lord God, I pray that Eve will seek you, love you and that You will put a desire in her heart to serve you.

Thank you for the gift all of our daughters. In your mighty name I pray.

Amen.