Under The Mask

Have you smiled under your mask yet?

It’s  happened to me a few times so far.

And the first time I was at my favorite Amish greenhouse picking out flowers. There was a fellow flower shopper walking in my direction and I flashed a friendly smile…only she couldn’t see it under my mask.

And so?

I immediately felt silly smiling.

I was smiling like I always have when I pass another shopper…but now? What’s the point?

I mean, why bother smiling at someone as you pass by another, six feet apart,, under the masks?

I guess, I bother because I can still FEEL my own smile.

And COVID can’t take away my smile even if it’s covered up under a mask. So? I am going to keep smiling under my mask…because even if a stranger can’t SEE my smile…I am going to hope they catch my feeling of friendliness as we pass by…

Have you ever caught yourself wearing the “I’m FINE” mask before all of this actual mask wearing?

There was a time when I wore the “I’m Fine” mask all the time, non-stop. In front of my family, husband, friends. I told everyone I was “FINE.”

But I wasn’t.

You know the feeling when you take our COVID physical masks off?

I can only imagine the way our healthcare heroes feel when they peel their masks off of an endless shift. Relief, fresh air, no more behind the ear discomfort from a tight fit, just their face uncovered…it must feel like an amazing release of the pressure they are under. (Thank you healthcare heroes for all that you are doing!!)

I know I feel relief when I slide back into my car and slip off my mask…that ability to simply breathe easier feels so good…so normal.

That “breathe easier” feeling is the same option we have every day when we allow ourselves to choose to NOT put on the invisible yet heavy “I’m Fine” mask.

Laying down the invisible mask of “I’m FINE” armor, gives us the chance to loosen the vice grip of trying to have this thing all ACCEPTED for what it is.

When we slip off the invisible mask,

LAY IT DOWN

and allow ourselves to be seen, just as we are, unruly emotions and all, right in the middle-ness of the acceptance journey…

we are suddenly FREE from the chains of “FINE.”

I don’t know about you…but I knew that I knew that I knew our students, our children weren’t going back to school this year. I knew the announcement was coming….but geez…the actual formal press conference this week?

To hear that it was “officially” announced?

I was hit with a new wave of sadness.

It was like a scab that had formed a tough “I’m Fine” hardness to it had been bumped and broken wide open. And, out came all of the “I’m not fine” tears.

Since the end of Summer, in preparation to send all of my girls off on the bus for the first time ever, I have been referring to this school year as our “Golden Year.” The only year that all three of our daughters would be on the bus together, and attending the same school. Eve in 5th grade, Maci in 3rd grade, and Livvy starting Kindergarten…it was going to be the Krout girls: “Golden Year.”

Until, they came home on March 13th and unbeknownst to me…our “Golden Year” abruptly ended. Little did I know when I sent them off that morning, that it would be the last time we would all walk up to the bus stop together.

The last time I would blow kisses to Eve sitting in the back row of the bus and that it would be her very last day of walking through the doors as a student of her elementary school.

My “fine” mask got bumped into hard this week when I allowed my heart to feel all the aches for ALL of the students who have been robbed of major milestones. Personally, the ache deepened too because I know my girls had AMAZING teachers this year. Each teacher for all three of my girls are simply incredible at doing what they do. They ROCK at teaching.

And in contrast?

Me? Teacher? Not so much.

Simply…I am a much better Mom to my girls when I am not a teacher-mom.

And so? When I am feeling “less than” what my girls deserve right now?

I take off my “Fine” mask.

I lay it down.

I lay it down.

I lay it ALL DOWN.

I lay down my mask, muddy emotions….ALL of it…

…because even when I feel “less than,” –

I know I can depend on a God who is MORE THAN.

More than able to guide us faithfully through ALL OF THIS this…

3rd grade fractions and all.

“And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.”

2 Corinthians 9:8 NIV

You know what else I do when I lay it all down?

I pick up a project.

House projects are therapeutic for me. I love making the most out of our space and moving things around, refreshing rooms because it winds up giving me energy in return. So? This week after spending my morning coffee with my friend, Pinterest…I was inspired to paint our kitchen island.

Shawn and I have been saving our pennies for a few years now for a kitchen renovation. I REALLY want a larger island with more seating…But right now…in these times? It just doesn’t seem like doing that would be good stewardship of our finances.

So, a short trip to Sherwin Williams for a “no-contact” paint pick-up and I was in quick business with a new project.

Want to see?

This island gets a workout. As in most homes…the kitchen tends to be the hardest working room in the house. Eventually, I would love to rip this baby out and replace it with a longer island that extends closer to the french doors and can accommodate more seats but for now…my little paint project and hardware update will breathe new life into this space.

I chose “Gray Screen” by Sherwin Williams paint (it has a blue hue) and replaced our brushed nickel hardware knobs with champagne bronze handles and knobs from Home Depot.

I feel like the island said THANK YOU for loving up on me!!

It’s not “perfect.” BUT…it is WAY better than before!! The island is clean. Under the sink is clean, painted and just feels better to use!!

Our floors…don’t get me started. Very plainly…I can’t stand these floors. Trying to keep a white kitchen tile floor clean with three kids and a puppy is a game I don’t encourage you to play. We have lived with them for 13 years but it is sounding like perhaps mid-June may be their expiration date. We are hoping to be pulling up this tile ourselves and laying hardwood to match the adjoining dining room…stay tuned for THAT project…should be a good time.

Do you know the funny thing that happens when you start a project? It leads to more projects 🙂

Yep…once you start painting one thing…your eye starts to see ALL the things that need to be painted. It can feel overwhelming.

BUT – refuse the rush of overwhelm. Instead….take it section by section and bit by bit…kind of like this COVID marathon. One day a at time.

Cleaning, sanding, putty, sand, prime, paint, second-coat paint…it IS a process. BUT…like anything…the process is what makes you appreciate the final outcome.

Keeping the wall of cabinets white. We decided to go with Sherwin Williams Pure White for the wall cabinets. So far? We are LOVING the simple updates! Stay tuned for the final product…

In the meantime…

“All my longings lie open before you, Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you.”

Psalm 38:9

I’ll be over here, laying down my “I’m Fine” mask…feeling all the feelings…and finding clarity in the process of laying them all down at the feet of the One who knows how to sand, prime and polish my pain into something better than before.

Oh! And…I’ll be smiling under my mask.

Dear Lord, I know that you are able. I know you are more than enough when I feel less than enough. Thank you for inviting me to lay it all down. Please help me to keep bringing it all to you…every day in every way.

Amen.

Living on a prayer,

Heather