A Mother’s MINI Love Letter & A Real Look Into My Mom Heart & History

Ok friend…I haven’t even started writing and I am already crying a little bit.

This post…I don’t even know where it is going to go…but I have a feeling it’s going to be a dusty ride.

I can already feel it welling up.

Mother’s Day has a way of churning up all sorts of emotions.

For some of us there are real aches and pains that can sometimes tangle into a true heart wrestling match. And then? For some of us, if we are fortunate enough…there are good feelings of deep love and gratitude.

Mother’s Day brings up a lot and a little of everything in between…depending on each of our personal stories.

So friend?

If you are already feeling a little raw or have some pangs in your heart leading up to Mother’s Day…know that you can stop reading here and it will be O.K. I will see you next week for some home decor.

But for now?

This post?

Well it’s going to be about my Mom, my own journey along the motherhood path and some of the real events that have shaped who I am as a mother today.

I remember one of the first times I felt like a total Mom failure.

The timeline is blurry.

It was probably just before Maci, (our middle daughter) was born and Eve (our oldest) was drinking out of those sippy cups.

I was standing at the sink, washing the dishes and I remember removing the straw out of the lid to do a more deep clean.

Bless it.

What IS this black GUNK in the crevices of this straw hold?

I have been letting my sweet girl gulp down her milk with this black bacteria infested goo that has surely made it’s way into the drinking straw and into my daughters tiny body!

What kind of mother lets her daughter drink out of a bacteria infested sippy cup?!

The floodgates of Mom fails opened wide when we were in the trenches of the “Four, Two and New” stage.

Eve, was 4 years old, Maci was 2 and Livvy was…well she was new.

I can look back now and realize that most of my Mom tantrums back in those long days were due to being under rested and overly caffeinated.

It’s a real thing.

I would drink nearly a pot of coffee throughout the day, reheating my cup over and over to keep the ship afloat only I was sinking it on the daily with my wound up and wired, fly off the handle Mom meltdowns.

And then there was the epic Mom fail.

There I was one minute, a minivan driving Momma listening to her Christian rock station and then the next?

The little legs constantly kicking my seat, the three blondies in the back buckled in and yet somehow pulling off an episode of wrestle mania as they all sat three across the middle row…arguing LOUDLY…they got the best of me.

I dropped my first Mom curse word.

Gasp. I know.

It gets better.

Before I could think, I pressed that hot Mom minivan button to the super handy sliding door feature and told them they could walk home.

The sliding minivan door?

It works well.

So well in fact, that it slid wide open…while I was driving.

Why thank you for that Mom fail trophy award.

I have earned it…over and over again.

But, you know what?

Despite all of my mess ups and hang ups?

God assigned me to be their mother…and while I am fallible?

God is not.

God does not make mistakes.

So every day I make a mistake?

I remind myself that God handpicked me with the blessing, assignment and responsibility of being the mother to these exact humans. Three blue eyed, blonde baby girls, not because of my own ability but because of HIS ability.

Despite my flaws, despite all of my broken pieces…

He assigned me to you.

So dear daughters….

I will not trust in my own abilities to shelter, shape and steward you well.

I will trust in God’s abilities to guide us together as mother and daughter…handpicked for each other.

“And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.”

2 corinthians 9:8 NIV

Motherhood truly is a journey and what we bring packing along for the adventure is a whole lot more than what we carefully picked out and placed inside our hospital bags when we first got started.

There is an important beginning to my motherhood journey.

It starts before I became a Mom.

It starts with my Mom.

While I have not walked in my mother’s shoes, I have walked in the shoes of a daughter who grew up under the wings of a gentle mother who gracefully carried the ache of a deeply grieving heart for the loss of her own child.

I was almost 2 years old when my brother, Steve tragically died at age 13 during a neighborhood game of hide and seek on a sunny Spring Friday, after school.

He climbed a tree to hide and was electrocuted by high power electricity lines that hung way up above where he was.

Although the memories of my brother are distant, mostly inspired through the pictures I have of of us. The love between us was special.

The experience of growing up with a Mother who knew the sudden loss of a child began to shape and trace the faint, penciled in lines of my own, future mothers heart…yet to come.

I didn’t know it at the time but I was learning what it looked like to surrender.

To hand it all over, excruciating pain and loss to the Lord…in total dependence.

My Mom handed her pain, loss and every minute of every day over to Him.

Over and over again.

And through that?

She found her way in His grace and strength.

The Lord slowly traced over her heart and all of its aches and all the while?

She was tracing over mine.

Right there in the middle of each day, while she cared for me and showed up for me, despite her own deep pain, sorrow and grief.

She was teaching me all the ways of what love is.

Growing up in a home that is touched by sudden, tragic death taught me that it is important to love and share that love openly. Not to evoke a feeling to live in fear that at any moment the hammer can drop. But, tenderly encouraged to not waste your days and to not let your love go unsaid.

And mostly?

To be intentional and mindful with your time.

Because we simply do not know how much we have.

“Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”

psalm 90:12 NIV

And so?

My own motherhood journey began well before I actually became a mother and grew into a promise I kept to myself for when I held my own children.

The promise?

To keep first things first in a way that beats truth inside the tender lines that my Mom’s hand traced over my heart, shaping it every day inside those young early years.

Sweet Momma friend…

On the days when it’s all too much.

Know that you are so loved.

You are so seen.

You are so HELD.

And?

If you need a reminder of these promises?

You can borrow my Mom as a lighthouse to these truths.

She has been lighting the way for a lot of us for a long time now.

Now, to my dear daughters…

The remainder of this blog post is for you.

A MINI love letter of truths, if you will.

You can imagine the prologue written by your beloved Grandma.

Penciled in and traced in the lines of my heart as she shaped it every day while she held me, kissed me and cried over me when she needed to.

The middle of the story is the one that we carry out and are writing now, in our relationship as mother and daughter.

The rest of the story?

Well…It is up to you.

But in the meantime?

This is what I hope to send you packing with when you go…

Penciled into each of your own heart lines so that when you write your own story you have a good rough draft to start from.

MINI Advice From Your

M-O-T-H-E-R

M– Mindful

O– Own up to it

T– Trust in the Tread

H– Humble yourself

E – Embrace

R– Receive

M- Mindful

Be mindful of your days, how you spend them.

Be purposeful and productive in what the Lord is prompting you towards and not just busy for yourselves. It’s easy to stick to the pleasantries of life…but often the most special chapters of your story are written when we do the things that don’t come so easy.

Remember, the hard thing and the right thing are often the same thing.

“Devote yourselves to prayer with an alert mind and a thankful heart.”

colossians 4:2 NLT

O – Own Up To It

Things are going to go down.

There will be stuff.

HARD stuff.

No matter what…own up to it.

No matter how bad it is, how ugly, how terrible the fall out, what people will say about you. Owning up to whatever it is…is the only way through.

When we do wrong, the only thing worth doing…is owning up to the wrong doing.

Things have a way of working themselves out from there.

T- Trust in the Tread

Not so long ago, I stood on the pool deck, cheering each of you along as you each were ready to face the dreaded two minute water tread in order to pass the pool test and dive off into the deep end of the pool.

Each time, your baby blues would stare up at me with hopeful perseverance, your little ears barely above the water, listening to the encouraging words of all your pool friends cheering you on:

“Keep treading!”

“You got this!”

“Almost there!”

And just as it seemed your tiny chin was about to slip under the water because your tired, little legs almost couldn’t bear to keep kicking for one more millisecond…the lifeguard would announce:

“You passed the test!”

There will be seasons of life when all you feel like you are doing is treading water. Pandemics may pop up, professional positions may end, problems will mount.

It may not seem as if you are getting anywhere or that anything is happening.

Trust in the tread…the scenery may look the same.

But?

Your legs are stronger.

And? Just as you feel your chin is about to slip under the water?

Your tippy toes will find their footing and you will place your pace just as it was intended...for you.

Keep treading. 

H-Humble Yourself

Do you know how to get really good at this?

Apologize often.

I mess up often.

And so?

I have the opportunity to apologize often.

Messing up is part of life.

Apologizing for the mess up is a choice.

Humble yourself. Apologize when you mess up.

Want another tip?

I’m going to give it to you anyway.

The truth is…

This is hard to do.

Ask the Lord to help you with this.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.”

psalm 139:23-24 NLT

When you ask Him for help with this…the length of time that goes by in between the mess up and the make up gets shorter and shorter.

Life is more enjoyable when the mess ups and the make up timeline is shorter.

Humble yourself.

E – Embrace

Embrace God’s plan for your life.

There is a plan.

It is a good one.

You can trust it.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

Jeremiah 29:11 NLT

The thing about embracing?

It doesn’t really work with a side hug.

You know the ones you sometimes begrudgingly give your sister after I force you to apologize?

You kind of have to go ALL IN.

The way to truly embrace is by opening up your arms and hands with eye contact.

In fact?

It looks a lot like receiving.

R- Receive

It is hard to embrace or receive with closed fists.

Instead?

Go arms open and palms up.

When we fully embrace who God really is…we realize that receiving God’s love for you is more than just agreeing with Him or acknowledging facts about Him.

To receive Him…means to be in relationship with Him.

“But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth.”

Acts 1:8 NLT

And there you have it sweet daughters…a MINI love letter to help serve as faint pencil lines of your own rough draft stories you will write when the time comes.

In the meantime…I will soak up the bedtime stories for as long as you will have me.

Speaking of stories…

One of our favorite books around here is the famous, “Are you my mother?” by P.D. Eastman.

We love it so much that our middle daughter, Maci dressed up as baby bird for storybook character day 4 years ago.

Last night I read it to our youngest baby bird before bed…and following in her big sisters footsteps…it became the very first book she can read all the way through…by herself.

If you are familiar with the book, then you know that the mother bird goes out to dig for a worm to feed her baby bird that is about to hatch.

But, the baby bird hatches while she is out.

The baby bird doesn’t wait for her to return and instead goes searching for his mother and along the search asks all the different animals, snorts, airplanes and boats, the famous question;

“Are you my mother?”

The book ends when the two are reunited in the nest and ends like this:

“Do you know who I am?” she said to her baby.

“Yes, I know who you are,” said the baby bird.

“You are not a kitten.”

You are not a hen.”

You are not a dog.”

You are not a cow.”

You are not a boat, or a plane, or a Snort!”

“You are a bird, and you are my mother.”

Oh my sweet baby birds…

I am not a perfect mother.

I am not always going to get it right.

I am not a lot of things.

But?

I am mindful of how short our time is together.

I will own up to my mistakes.

I will keep treading water for us.

I will humble myself when I get it wrong.

I will embrace you and our God and His plan.

I will receive Him and His love.

…So that you may know what surrender looks like also.

Any goodness or strength that you may see in me is only made possible because I have received it from Him first.

I AM blessed to be your Mother and I pray every day that I love you well.

Thankfully, I know what loving well looks like…because I learned from the best.

Dear God,

Thank you for being my constant source of strength. I am so grateful that You want to have a relationship with me. Please continue to draw me closer to your heart.

Lord, I lift up all of the hearts who are reading this today. May they look to you for their comfort and strength.

Amen.

Living on a prayer,

Heather

Photo Credits to the amazingly talented Breanna Kuhlmann.